The Father Factor
The way two people make each other feel when they are
together is the essence of their relationship, whether they are lovers,
friends or parent and child. Psychologist Harville Hendrix calls it the
single factor that makes for longevity in any relationship.
"The mother/child bond involves considerable body chemistry.
During pregnancy, the high levels of estrogen also increase the number
of oxytocin receptors in the brain. Towards the end of pregnancy, these
receptors makes the new mother respond with the required maternal
behavior....The act of breastfeeding also relaxes both the mother and
the infant....(and other) hormones play a very important role in
parent-child bonding, and in maintaining the overall relationship." -lovingyourchild.com
Such
chemical bonding between farther and child is not as strong, and in animals the father is much more likely to
reject a child, especially if he is uncertain about the paternity. Paternal infanticide
among primates may occur when a female is taken over by a new, more
aggressive male, especially if she mates with several males.
In humans it turns out that ultimately father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more
than mother's love. But Nearly 2 of every 5 children in America do
not live with their fathers (the rate is even higher in minority
groups). More
than 50% of marriages end in divorce.
50% of mothers see no value in the fathers continued contact with his
children, and 42% of divorced fathers never see their children
again.
When a father abandons a child it creates a deep psychological wound. The child feels that, "if my own father doesn't want to be with me, then I must not be good enough." That child almost variably moves into a series of situations where he or she becomes a victim. It is called victim consciousness even though it is largely unconscious or unrecognized by the victim. It is a life script that says, "I am not OK." It is also the underlying factor in most codependent relationships.
Fatherlessness
is a looming problem amounts to an enormous white elephant in the
room.. It is the root
cause of widespread and social problems afflicting many
families with profound emotional, developmental, educational, and legal
consequences. Increasingly peoples' lives
have been marked with pathological dysfunctions and tragedy which is so widespread that its sinister consequences affects us all to some degreel.
Looking
back at the last century we can gain some perspective on the origins of
this problem. War has been a big factor in this scenario. In
the last century war casualties are estimated to be as many as 100
million or more, with a high percentage of those being men of an age to be
fathers. This, combined with high rates of divorce, and various other factors, has left a a
great many children with missing fathers. So all those children grew up without
knowing how to be fathers.
And
to make matters worse, many fathers who were not killed were removed from the
home by the industrialization of the workplace. Men who would have been
farmers, hunters, or tradesmen working from home, were increasingly employed in factories and industries where they were out of
the home during working hours. And they come home so tired and emotionally
drained, that they don't have left to give the family but meager leftovers
and a bad attitude. So everyone typically escapes into the internet, games, TV, alcohol, isolation or addictions.
Radio and television have
became so popular that what had been family time has been hijacked by the media, including the internet. Unfortunately it has been the nature of
the media to pander
to the lowest common denominator with sensationalism, and violence in
order to grab our attention to sell something. Now we typically have
pubescent media idols of questionable morality and gender setting the
trends and making more money than just about any legitimate role model
or heroic figure.
By age 18 the average child has witnessed tens
of thousands of graphic media defiance and grizzly violence, but
precious few genuine people who care deeply about anything, or have any actual concern for each other. Adult acts of kindness or real social
concern are trivialized or missing entirely.
And
there has been kind of a cascading or
snowball effect of psychologically wounded young men, so that several generations have
experienced a protracted adolescence. They remain in a kind of
limbo, unable or unwilling to take on the responsibilities of
adulthood, and are
moving unprepared into marriage and the world of education, business
and politics. Little wonder that the education system and Wall Street is a nightmare mess.
Babies are giving birth to babies, and the
rates of school dropout, antisocial behavior, addiction, and criminal
behavior is going through the roof. Also ever increasing divorce
rates, and absent or dysfunctional parents makes this situation look
grim. The
result has been difficulty developing and sustaining self-esteem,
forming lasting emotional attachments, recognizing genuine feelings,
or being expressive with adult partners and children. There are so many missing or inept fathers that the
"father factor" is a big part of many unhealthy social issues. So
what is the "father factor?
In order for our species to survive, men
have been hard wired with a biological imperative to defend home and
family, to protect boundaries, and bring home food as needed. Boys
learn the appropriate mode of behavior from the father.
In antique cultures there often
were elaborate rites of passage. These ceremonies validated the status
of manhood as a boy became a man, and provided role models of courage,
stamina, and a sense of acceptance and good standing among the men of
the community. Joseph Campbell opened the awareness of the link between
mythology and initiation.
Menarche is the first menstrual cycle, or first
menstrual bleeding in the female, which is a clear demarcation between
a girl child and a woman. Since there is no such clear demarcation in
boys, there are natural psychological and social implications. So boys need to have the father's input as a role model.
The
father factor is about validation. When the father is withdrawn
or indifferent the father factor can be
negative and harmful. And an alcoholic (addicted), or abusive
fathers can be as bad or worse than absent fathers. The child of a
father who withholds love and affection typically grows up to be
emotionally needy, looking for love in all the wrong places.Abused children often become victims or victimizers. Abandoned children
may never
learn to trust others enough to sustain intimacy.
These children were
made to feel not good enough and are at risk for all sorts of
hesitation, inadequacies, self-sabotage, and failures which frequently
leads to anti-social behavior, poverty, addiction, and crime.
Becoming a member of a gang is just an attempt to find some sort of acceptance.
- 24 million children in America – one out of three – live in homes without biological fathers
- A child with a nonresident father is 54 percent more likely to be poorer than his or her father
- Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school
- 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
- Kindergarteners who live with single parents tend to
have more health issues.
- Thirty-three percent of children who were
behind in all three areas were living with single parents.
- A study of 13,986
imprisoned women showed that more than half of them grew up without
their father. Forty-two percent grew up in a single-mother household,
and 16 percent lived with neither parent.
- Children growing up without fathers are at a far greater risk of child abuse
- A 77 percent greater risk of being physically abused
- An 87 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect
- A 165 percent greater risk of experiencing notable physical neglect
- A 74 percent greater risk of suffering from emotional neglect
- An 80% greater risk of suffering serious injury as a result of abuse
- And overall, they are at a 120 percent greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse.
- 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households
Children in father-absent homes are:
- 4.6 times more likely to commit suicide, 63% of youth suicides are fatherless
- 71% more
likely to be suffer from depression
- 90% more likely to be arrested,
- 90% more likely to get a jail sentence
- 14 times more likely to
rape someone.
- 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions are fatherless
- 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders are fatherless
- 70% of pregnant teenagers are
fatherless.Girls have four times the risk of early sexual intercourse, and five times more likely to have an early pregnancy.
Fatherless kids also
- Are much more likely to smoke, drink, and become drug addicted
- Have higher rate of child mortality
- Have a higher risk of abuse and neglect.
- Show higher levels of aggressive behavior and lack emotional stability
- Lower educational attainment and to have problems both in school and at home
- Almost four times more likely to be poor.
Data
compiled from a variety of sources, including the U.S. Census, National
Center on Child Abuse and Neglect, National Fatherhood Initiative,
National Center for Education Statistics and other
reports. |
In
his film, ABSENT,
filmmaker Justin Hunt
explores how the absence or loss of a father's
love and guidance can have harmful effects on children -- the loss of
their self worth or loss of their inner voice. Hunt's
opening statement is that the father is the first person in your life
to choose you or reject you. And that choice can determine whether the
child will feel valued or devalued. A child devalued in this way can be
scarred for life. The absence of a
father inflicts a deep, lifelong wound on men and women in all walks of
life.
Justin Hunt offers penetrating insight into the plight of
young people
who are simply bewildered. He believes that most young people
are simply unprepared emotionally to undertake the responsibilities of
adulthood because they have been wounded psychologically, by
the absence or neglect of parents, usually the father. But 40%
of mothers reported that they had interfered with the fathers
visitation to punish their ex-spouse.
Living with an abusive father
can be even worse than no father. A father wound makes you feel you are
not good enough and begins a perpetual quest for approval. A girl might seek masculine approval with her
sexuality. Boys are
more likely to "show him that I don't need him," to become anti-social, rebellious, angry, and violent. Juvenile crime has increased 6 fold
since 1960.
In his film, Mr. Hunt interviews a series of
young people who have had one or both parents that were absent or
dysfunctional. Hunt emphasizes the huge psychological significance of
the father's acceptance of a child. He points out that even if the
father is dysfunctional or just doesn't have time to be with his child,
the child is wounded much as if there is no father in the home.
Stephen
Bergman, a psychiatrist, talks about men's "dread." He uses this term in several ways, but especially in relation to grief. Many men dread grief. It
appears sometimes like a bottomless well into which we will inevitably
fall should we drink even a drop of its poison. If we go there, one
feels, we may never come back. This represents the
separation of the psyche into a good and worthless portion that is associated with dogma and bigotry.
Alan Watts went so far as to say that religion too often has operated
through guilt and fear, by "forbidding every natural act." From this
has come a distrust and disdain of religion and of men who have been
pushed into the role of a goody-goody. Such a man is perceived to be
emasculated. "To become feminine, even in a single way, a man is in
danger of being forever labeled unmanly." The distortion of masculinity has been carried to extremes in the name of
ethical or moral good, and fostered moral condescension of women over men which has
caused much suffering.
The shadow self feeds
on fear and negativity, looming large but unseen in the unconscious,
tricking us into doing what we would not do. In recent decades we all
have seen "No Fear" declared on T-shirts and bumper stickers displaying a
tough guy image apparently waging war on fear itself --capturing our
hidden dreams of life on the edge and the supposed virtues of extreme
sports and being in charge of destiny.
For more than 50
years Robert Bly has had a lot to say about earthy, subterranean metaphors. In his book
"Iron John," he shows how the industrial
revolution removed the father from the home as men started going to the
workplace. He pointed out how both the quantity and quality of time
fathers spend with their children has declined since then, and how
these relationships have suffered. His conclusion is that the fathers
absence has been especially difficult for boys who are, in effect,
deprived of a masculine role model.
Bly
writes about the nature and
significance of the role of the father. He points out that in antique
cultures a boy would actually see or even participate the father's
tasks. Bly wrote that there was an actual sense of getting food from
the father's body. And more than that, the young man learned first-hand
what it meant to be a man on a non-verbal level by spending
considerable time together. He spoke of a boy child being "re-tuned" from the mother's vibrational level ti that of the father.
Bly offers considerable
detail about elaborate rites of passage from boyhood into manhood,
especially among some primitive tribes where little boys stay home with
mothers and sisters until initiated into the mens' society. After that they are
expected take on the responsibilities of manhood.
Bly wrote that the warrior is someone
who can do unpleasant things. And he can pursue a task until it is
finished, even if he must postpone his own needs for gratification
until he accomplishes his goal. He is in control of his body instead of
his body controlling him. He takes a stand. He defends the territory
and holds the boundaries.
But if he does not trust himself a man may
never become trustworthy. Bly's poetry and work with men also addresses the issue of men
and grief. His contention is that men are not given a way to grieve the
natural losses in life, so they carry with them a fear of their own
emotions. This is an important truth about the power of grief. Bly suggested that men who go to
war are not given room to grieve this experience. He noted that more
veterans of the Viet Nam war have died by suicide in the years since,
than died during the war. Bly explores the dark side of the human personality — (the shadow self) and the importance of confronting it.
Bly says the media doesn't want to know about mens' grief, and has tried to paint
things differently. The most powerful enemies of men's openness are the
corporate men. A few years ago there were hundreds of posters
in New York one spring saying, "You don't need to beat a drum or hug a
tree to be a man." There is a lot of corporate ammunition aimed at
men who try to learn to talk about their feelings.
Children sitting in front of television sets, absorbing what they see, he says, is
a form of murder, a murder of the human psyche. Although Bly offers a
steady stream of criticism about the insanity of empire and
imperialism, he refuses to be grim. In fact, he believes that
one problem with philosophers is that they don't laugh enough.
Men are
suffering right now--especially young men. There is much fear of becoming lost in the indefinite gray areas, so everything must be cut and dried, black and white, either or. For
example, author John Rowan alludes to the fact that traditional male
archetypes (or masculine images) are portrayed as being utterly
different from the feminine. Commit but a single sin and all is tainted.
This
unfortunate polarity between manly and unmanly qualities has not only
relegated women to inferior status, but has also lopped off an
essential part of men’s identities. Very intricate taboos have evolved
to protect these polarities. Yet another division into a good and worthless
portion which is the source of all sorts of
bigotry stemming
from a kind of flawed logic that will not admit intermediate states
between polarities. It is the result of exclusive rather than inclusive
thinking.
In order to be considered manly a man's mind must
always be in charge of his body. Science and war have been men's proper
concerns, while gentleness and nurturance have been seen as women’s
exclusive realm. For a long time the appropriate mode of behavior belonged to the father's realm and all emotion issues were relegated to the feminine realm or simply brushed aside.
In military training, the first essential is that the
cadet must be conditioned to obey orders, to do what he is told without
considering emotions.Similarly the basic tenant of science is
that anything which cannot be quantified is inadmissible. Because of this crisis of conscience, men have been prone
toward either altruism or militarism, which can be another self-destructive The altruist ultimately sacrifices himself to his
environment, and the militarist ultimately sacrifices his environment
to himself. It has become clear that the unholy alliance between
science and the military has overreached its boundaries, as for example
in the bombing of Hiroshima, and various wars manufactured by the military industrial complex. The implications are very tragic and far reaching.
This fear of vulnerability brings us up against
serious consequences. In the past masculinity symbolized a kind of
reckless physical courage, divorced from feeling, and expressed as exploitation, domination and conquest that was
brutally destructive. The macho archetype is a bulldozer operator,
wearing a hard hat. His attitude is "stay cool, and go ahead." Hyper-masculinity is contrived or scripted, ans is a
sign of insecurity.
Or even worse it may reveal a man who has given his
power over to a system, like Darth Vader.He
knows very well that he is "tearing down paradise to put up a parking
lot." Intellectually he knows, but emotionally he has learned not to
know. Everything must give way to the plans on a blueprint for which he
is not responsible. If he stopped the machine to evaluate the
consequences of his actions, he would simply be replaced.
A man must be
conditioned to be strong and indifferent to survive in a competitive
world. He owes his very life to the sacrifice of countless
organisms that have become his food and shelter and he has to become
hardened against feeling the real anguish of each of those sacrifices.
Since his earliest childhood games, great emphasis has been placed on
hardening him against having too much sympathy for his victims in his
role as hunter, warrior and entrepreneur.
The species higher up the food chain are
more aggressive. More complex organisms feed on the less complex; for something to be
born, something else dies. Over
the centuries men were in touch with countless animals that died so
that we might be here today. From all this killing there comes a sense
of grief which can be overwhelming. But grief is one of the emotions
for which men are not usually very well prepared.
So, Bly teaches
that such conditioned lack of compassion requires seeking out means to
restore a proper sense of grief in men. He contends that men have
not only squelched emotions so deeply within that they are at a loss for
appropriate emotional responses to their circumstances, and have been
left cut off from the more positive emotions as well, and may be out of
touch with their own best instincts. What is needed is a role model for acceptable modes of feeling and behavior. Realizing this, a
discerning man can take a posture in life that reflects his
enlightenment.
" Exploiting others or the
environment is something I also choose not to do. I am not sure who the
others are here, but I am here, and I am the "good guy." I expect to
say and do the right thing, and am willing to treat others as I wish to
be treated. Exploiting others will not bring me the fulfillment I
deserve and desire." W. G. Sebald
Einstein
said that the greatest decision in life is whether you live in a
friendly or unfriendly world. Perhaps the greatest problem humans have
is that so many have been made to feel unworthy, not good enough, not OK. by the abuse or neglect by a parent.
Each
and every cell in the body can be in one of two modes: normal, or
abnormal. The abnormal mode is fear, while the normal mode is growth
and maintenance of the body. The fear mode consumes the nutrients that
would normally be used for growth and converts those same nutrients
into preparedness to fight or flee. Staying in the fear mode over
protracted periods of time depletes the body and renders it vulnerable
to opportunistic pathogens and glandular fatigue.
Chronic stress
or distress also extracts a psychological toll which results in dull
and delayed responses to the environment, and eventually apathy and
indifference. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Mourning
is the outward expression of grief. It is usually based on cultural,
religious, or personal belief systems. Examples of mourning include
visiting the grave site of a loved one on special dates, keeping a
journal or making a photo album of the deceased, and even more dramatic
expressions like tearing at hair and clothes. All of these expressions
are normal and it’s important to remember that mourning is a very
personal expression of grief. There is no right or wrong way to do it.
Life is a kind of game that you don't really win or really lose, so it's how you play that matters.We
will all succumb to our own mortality since all life ends in death. Grief is
always present, but men tend to impersonalize it. It's just out there
somewhere. There are different means to cope with the pain of this
grief. But the man remains a boy to the extent he has not learned to
deal with his grief.
A man must have a transcendent cause, a
sense that he is not doing this for a selfish reason. For example, he
may serve a KING. This archetype is the authority figure who determines
the boundaries, and is concerned with the larger meaning and
consequence of mens' actions. Also. there is the implication of providence, a
connection to the psyche. A man with a weak inner king doesn't
recognize boundaries.
Men fear vulnerability.
They are far more likely to verbalize their deepest fears than their
deepest love or aspiration. On every hand is the suggestion of their
inadequacy of every sort, especially in the media. Just maybe your father did the best he could with what he had. Even if you were not parented the way you wanted to be, forgiving your parents is essential.
Only you can choose how much power over your peace of mind is given by you, and how much anger and resent you want to carry through life. Bitterness is optional and it is toxic. It distracts you from happiness. And at the cellular level it causes part of you to remain in the protection mode which will eventually take a toll on your health and well being. Going through and embracing our wounds as a part of ourselves is radically different than avoiding, or getting stuck in, and endlessly, obsessively recreating (being taken over by) our problems.
Not having a good relationship with parents is not always tragic, far from it. Our own suffering can sensitize us to the suffering of others, and by helping others to heal, we heal our own wounds. Bly writes that the best way to get over having a bad or absent father is to become the father you would like to have had.
Historically there are many instances of hardships that resulted in the strengthening of resolve for improvements. Some of the most heroic deeds are in response to the suffering of humanity. The wounded healer is an archetype that recognizes the fundamental woundedness in human nature (mortality), and that this woundedness can serve as a source of strength and healing when helping others.
If you have a son, it's your job to convince him that he is going to be OK. And whether your child is a boy or a girl, never withhold the power of your admiration and approval. If you don't have children, consider that to father is a verb that means offering wisdom, strength, courage, patience, protection, coaching or modeling by example, and loving consistently. In that sense you can father whatever comes your way, as best you can. It is a process that if you choose to do it, even in some quiet way, will eventually validate the goodness within.
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